![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
I am a good person.
You are as free as you choose to be.
I'm so used to everything I touch turning golden but it seems like lately a lot of what I do just flounders or really struggles to get by.
I want things to be easy again.
I've been praying a lot for guidance lately, asking God to direct my life. I don't know what He wants for me.
I want to do good things for others and to succeed. When did that become so hard?
I'm really glad I have Jen in my life to keep me going when I'm hurting a little. I know she would find it funny given how unstable her life is sometimes but I really appreciate the support and stability she can give.
All around, she's an amazing women and I'm really looking forward to our 6 months date because it means a lot to me that we've found a way to make it work.
Also the residents are awesome....if a tad bit too loud. My male floor is especially fun, they're always running around and hitting each other up. I'm amazed, there's really not a lot of cliquiness.
It's been by no means an easy year but it'd be hard for me to say it hasn't been a good one so far :)
NO SICKNESS! GO AWAY! GAHRAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
Tired of fighting.
Tired of drama.
Tired of waking up stressed.
Tired of miscommunication.
Tired of trying and trying and trying and not being able to make things better for the long run.
But I'm not tired of her and I think that's what kills me above all else. I love a lot of things about her and I can't describe how much I would miss holding her in my arms. I cried my eyes out today for about 30 minutes when I thought about letting her go.
I don't want to let this person out of my life. But I don't know how much longer I can endure the ups and downs. It's like cartilege, once it's worn away you're only left with bone rubbing against bone which results in a lot of pain.
Just this big gapping hole in our hearts.
I feel like it's all out of our hands.
But it's more than that. I wonder sometimes if any amount of work can make us both happy. I know she has put in a TON of effort lately and I've done my best as well. I love her and I don't deserve her because, when she's good, she's beyond amazing. But we just can't seem to get both of us there and stable.
I just don't know what to do....
:(
But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. And I don't mind. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. So I'm happy, tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord."
I wish I knew how to make everyone happy right now. Especially Jen. It's really frustrating to be in a situation that I can't fix because of something that's just part of who I am...
I'm really frustrated with Jen, mostly because I don't understand what happened. And because I know I'm not happy anymore. And I don't know how to make it better. Or for that matter, what's wrong. Or why I can't make her happy anymore. I'm just at a loss...
I don't know how good of an RA I'm going to be at this point. I doubt myself a lot. I'm just...not in a good place right now.
A love that doesn't really need sex. It's easy to have sex. It's easy to connect sex with love. But how often do we sex, and sexuality, connected to a temporary love. A Saturday night love. One that fails to mention that they may not always love that person. Or that if that person changes physically they may not find them attractive anymore.
A love that's blind. A love that works with souls, not bodies. A love that embraces spirits not physicality.
Some might say that the two should exist harmoniously and they might be right for their view of the world. For me, however, why would we want to couple something fleeting and shallow with something deep and meaningful?
I'm a pleaser by nature. I want to give people what they need or want. But I also know that philosophically, I can't reconcile this argument with my world view. I know Turi, my counselor, might say that this is what makes a relationship different than a friendship. I don't agree. I know that physicality plays a role in any relationship. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, that tender embrace before a good bye. But these are innocent gestures. They aren't done at a price nor do they serve a purpose in my view. They are, in a sense, simple love. A love that doesn't need explanations or time or prereqs or maturity. My love embraces companionship, loyalty, assistance, compassion, readiness, acceptance.
Perhaps this is a case of being unreasonable. As my grandpa would famously quip "Be reasonable, see it my way". It's an oxymoron, but it's a really understandable one.
I don't know it's as much figuring out my sexuality (or lack thereof) as it is communicating it. This is perhaps the first step.
-Tennyson
All in all, an amazing day. I'm really glad Jen and I can talk about our ideas/differences. I think I've told her this but one of the things I love is that even when we disagree we're still speaking the same language. Generally it's that we want the same goal, we just have different means. I also really like that my family loves her. I know that may seem stupid but it's decently important to me.
I know she's got a lot of problems still to work out in her life and I've got my own issues but I
Now I'm really excited for the school year to start!!
One of the first quotes I ever discovered in my study of history:
"Dare, dare again, never cease to dare" - Danton 1759-1794 AD
You really hurt me tonight...
I almost kind of liked it too because it made me realize that I care about what you think and feel.
That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.
All I've done and all I'm doing is tryin
However, does this really matter? Shouldn't love be bigger than this?
I almost kind of liked it too because it made me realize that I care about what you think and feel.
That doesn't mean that it still doesn't hurt.
All I've done and all I'm doing is tryin
However, does this really matter? Shouldn't love be bigger than this?
Update! Apparently my irrational fear is called Tocophobia (fear of childbirth and pregnancy) and is not remarkably uncommon! Hurray, now time to make an appointment with counseling services!
Update 2! So I've decided to not bring it up with Jen anymore because it's not productive, helpful, or good for our relationship. That doesn't mean that my fear is entirely gone anymore which is quite frustrating...I'm going to make my appointment tomorrow.
It's especially frustrating because one of the aspects of my paranoia is that I look for signs everywhere. I got a pain in my leg today walking back home and I thought that had some connection to my belief that "things would become painfully clear if that's the way things were going." I'm completely nuts I know. Discussion of children or screw-ups or hitting reality or failed relationship scares the shit out of me. I can hardly sit through it. Also, I know it has to shade my attitude towards Jen somehow....It makes me really sad...I want to be rid of it. It's better than it was earlier (I'm now at a manageable level instead of total freakout mode!)
In some ways it keeps me from having fun too because I feel like I'm being careless and wasteful when I should be preparing for impending doom Haha. I know I'm being stupid, I realize that every time it bugs me. I also realize now that facts have a limited impact on my worrying. There is a .0000000000000000000000000000001% chance of anything happening at this point (in truth it's 0%, I just can't admit that).
However, most of all, I don't want it affecting Jen anymore. There is absolutely nothing more she can do to change my mind. I don't want her involved in any way. I don't want her to bring it up, feel guilty about me feeling this way, do anything further, etc. This is all on me now. I can handle it (at least with some professional help haha).
It's all been so odd though, I'm typically such a normal boring easy-going person. So all of a sudden for me to be such a maniac is very strange. I'm looking forward to being back to normal. I'm looking forward to enjoying the wonderful things in my life (of which Jen is one of the best!) :)
That made me feel better...ahh writing....
Either way, I am clearly broken at this point, I have nothing left to give on this subject. I just want it to stop. I'm thinking about going to a therapist as I don't know if I can conquer it alone anymore...I can't believe how generous Jen has been on the subject.
I just don't understand why it needs to be this difficult. I'm happier with her than I have been with anyone before in my life. I think that's how I know that this is clinical paranoia...I'm having trust issues with someone who I would clearly entrust my life to. Sigh, I hate this, I feel like such a worthless human being for being like this.
Why me, Lord?
I especially struggle with it because I know that Jen struggles with a lot of stuff and I want to be the one place in her life that can be strong and confident and sure and not worried. My weakness disgusts me...
